The Best of the Breast

Here at L.C.D. Pabulum & Associates, we strive to bring you the very best analysis of the entertainment cosmos. With that in mind, we felt we couldn't proceed without discussing one of the most important elements in modern cinema.

The breast.

This is a very subjective topic, so we will endeavor to establish some objective criteria: 1) Notoriety of Celebrity, 2) Attractiveness of Celebrity, 3) Attractiveness of the Breasts In Question (BIQs), 4) Use of the BIQs, 5) Duration, 6) Surprise, 7) Rarity, and 8) Impressionability of Audience.

1) NOTORIETY OF CELEBRITY is simply how famous the celebrity is. This is one of the reasons why it's more exciting to see Julia Roberts's nipples than it is to see Shannon Tweed's. (Also see "Rarity" with regard to this particular comparison of actresses.) The value of this criterion may change over time, as a celebrity's notoriety increases or decreases. Seeing Sandra Bullock nude in FIRE ON THE AMAZON or Angelina Jolie nude in GIA is more exciting now that they're famous than it was when those movies were released.

2) ATTRACTIVENESS OF CELEBRITY is one of the reasons why seeing Gina Gershon topless in SHOWGIRLS or Jennifer Connelly topless in, well, most of the movies she's been in, is more fun than seeing Kathy Bates topless in ABOUT SCHMIDT or Emma Thompson topless in WIT.

3) ATTRACTIVENESS OF THE B.I.Q. is a subset of the attractiveness of the celebrity. Some celebrities have very well-shaped breasts, while some ... do not. The factors that come into play in this criterion include:

..... 3a) Heft (compare Jennifer Connelly to Meg Ryan),

..... 3b) Slope (compare Jennifer Connelly to Laura Dern),

..... 3c) Symmetrical nipple placement (compare Jennifer Connelly to Pam Anderson, whose nipples tend to migrate with each operation),

..... 3d) Size of areolae (compare Jennifer Connelly to Thora Birch),

..... 3e) Nipple state and areolae color (It's easier to convince ourselves the celebrities in question are aroused if their nips are perky and their areolae are dark),

..... 3f) Placement on torso ("high-and-tights" (e.g. Naomi Watts) vs. "sweet chariots" (e.g. Catherine Zeta-Jones))

..... 3g) Sway (much can be deduced about firmness based on swaying motion (or lack thereof) during movement),

..... 3h) Body position at time of showing (lying on back, lying on side, sitting, leaning, standing, hanging upside down...)

..... 3i) Plastic surgery (had work done vs. pristine, obvious vs. subtle surgeries, unnaturally tight skin, scar tissue, "Frankenboobs," etc.)

4) USE OF THE B.I.Q.s has to do with the context of the scene when the BIQs are brought out to play. The use of Halle Berry's breasts in SWORDFISH was a damn waste; the use of the same actress's breasts in MONSTER'S BALL was pretty hot (as long as one can mentally wipe Billy-Bob out of the picture).

5) DURATION is how long the breasts are allowed out to play in the fresh air. Some nipple-shots are of the blink-and-you'll-miss-em variety (like Kate Hudson in ALMOST FAMOUS) while others are allowed enough time to delightfully burn their images into our mind's eye (like Shannon Elizabeth in AMERICAN PIE).

6) SURPRISE is when a celebrity shows a breast or two when you weren't expecting it (e.g. Audrey Tautou in DIRTY PRETTY THINGS). This always adds a pleasant little jolt, though it isn't happening as much as it used to, given the massive amounts of marketing and artificially-induced "breast buzz" that's created before a movie is released (this has been happening for some time -- see the marketing-of-the-breast-shot for both Julie Andrews in S.O.B. (1981) and Halle Berry in the aforementioned SWORDFISH (2001)).

7) RARITY is how often it's possible to see that particular celebrity's breasts on screen. This is one of the other reasons why seeing Julia Roberts topless would be more exciting than seeing Shannon Tweed topless. It's a simple issue of supply and demand. The boobalicious shots in THE GIFT and BODY SHOTS are more impressive now than they would be if Katie Holmes or Tara Reid got naked in every movie in which they appeared. Reflecting back to the "breast buzz" example in Surprise, the grosses of SWORDFISH and PROZAC NATION were both helped by leaking that Halle Berry and Christina Ricci were going to do their first ("and maybe last?" is usually implied) topless scenes in those movies.

7) IMPRESSIONABILITY OF AUDIENCE is totally subjective, but it should be considered when weighing the relative merits of one's personal nip-list. Heterosexual men will typically be more enthralled by nippleage than heterosexual women. TEENAGE hetero men are particularly impressionable. That's why any particular nipple shot you saw whilst in the first stages of puberty will probably still rate high on your list of all-time best. (Mr. Pabulum himself has said he fondly recalls the soft-core scene at the end of KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE. Tara Strohmeier, where are you now?)

So there you have it. Seven important criteria by which to judge the Best of the Breast.

We are pleased to have been able to offer this service. Now, if you will excuse us, we have some movies to rent.